Reflect on your relationships, both personal and professional: do you regularly do 70% or more of the talking in any of your relationships? If so, your friends and colleagues may be leaving these interactions feeling unfulfilled or drained.
Experiment with the three tips below to balance your conversations:
- Stand in the other person’s shoes.
Before you engage with someone, consider:
- What could I ask to get to know this person better?
- What could be going on in this person’s life right now?
- What might they be feeling?
- What might they need from me?
The reflective questions above apply to people you have just met as well as people you know really well. The point isn’t to get the answers right but rather to be curious about another person’s perspective and needs.
- Ask a question, listen to the answer…and then ask 3 more questions.
Too often people ask a question and then mentally check-out when it’s being answered. Or they too quickly bring the conversation back to their own experience or perspective. Relating our experience to someone else’s can be a powerful way of connecting; however, I often see this happening too early in a person’s sharing. Try keeping your perspective on the topic to yourself for a little longer so the other person has the time to develop and express themselves more fully.
Once the person has finished answering your question, ask another. You don’t necessarily have to ask three follow-up questions but thinking three can help get us in the mindset of shifting the focus from ourselves to others. Asking follow-up questions will also help you grow. Formulating a question requires cognitive effort and develops our ability to be curious.
Ask questions, fully listen to the answers, and follow-up on what you hear.
- Be present, with your body and your mind.
It can be tempting to multi-task while engaging with another person. Have you ever found yourself typing a work email while listening to your friend on the phone? Or mentally updating your to-do list while someone is talking? Ever had to ask someone to repeat something because you were busy thinking about something else?
It’s too easy to tune out.
Being present takes practice. The following tips can help:
- Pick specific times: choose certain activities or times of day where you can commit to bringing your full attention to those that are important to you. For example, mealtime with your family, one-on-ones with staff, or taking a walk with someone.
- Remove distractions: Our senses are sensitive. If multiple things are competing for our auditory and visual attention, then we’re less likely to be focused on the person we’re conversing with. Try getting common distractors out of sight (put away the cellphone, turn off the tv/radio, etc.) or sit somewhere where there isn’t any clutter in front of you. (Sometimes when I’m on the phone with someone, I close my eyes so that my ears are more engaged and I’m not distracted by the plant that needs watering, or what’s happening outside my window!). We can’t eliminate all distractions so most importantly, notice when your mind is drifting away from the conversation and bring yourself back.
- Be conscious of your body language: is it inviting? warm? open? If possible, turn your body towards the person you are engaging with. Avoid fidgeting.
When we do most of the talking, we may think others are just quiet or that they just really enjoy hearing what we have to say. Maybe they are quiet and engaged with our sharing, but they also have a need to be heard and seen and they may be struggling to find an opening to share with you. Sharing things with others can help us to work through a challenge, process complex feelings, and feel supported. Your attention is powerful and it is a gift to others. Check-in with your conversations today and see how balanced they are.